Belonging

What does it mean?

I am traveling as I post this, and focused this week on having an immersive experience with my little grandson. I therefore offer you an edited re-print of a former post. But before the post which follows, I want to share a relevant event which happened in my personal life this morning. An old friend reached out to me in an email, thinking of me navigating hurricanes this summer, and just checking in on my well-being. In the short email dialogue that ensued, he mentioned that his highest priority lately is meditation, and a Buddhist-inspired way of life. He said that “the outer world has diminished for me, and I have realized compassion and wisdom is worth more than gold.” He made on off-hand comment about how the extreme weather patterns will likely become worse because of the new administration coming in (thus unnecessarily introducing politics). And then he said lots of kind things about me, and my strengths in life.

In a small part of my response, I offered that one thing that seems potentially promising to me, going forward, is a new kind of transparency around the causes of Americans’ tragic state of chronic disease. In his reply, he suddenly demanded to know who I voted for. I didn’t fall into the trap that I sensed, based on his choice of language, and instead in my next response I focused on a bigger picture of the information wars that have been inflicted upon us all, and that we must get savvy about this if we truly desire to bridge the perceived divides between groups.

His next response was a declaration that ‘the abyss between us is too large to consider us friends. I have no interest in crossing the large divide.’ Wow. So that’s it, just like that. He doesn’t even know anything about where I stand on issues, other than that I care deeply about rooting out the causes of chronic disease in our society (which he already knew about me). Whatever has become of the days when we as humans co-inhabiting a larger societal group could agree to disagree, even engage in a healthy debate with each other about different ideas, and still remain friends who share lots, and both still belong in the same larger groups of society and humanity? Do any of you my readers miss those by-gone days?

I am truly curious how a ‘spiritually focused,’ dedicated meditator and self-described Buddhist, is yet so quick to react negatively to someone with a viewpoint that (might) challenges his, and to declare zero interest or curiosity to gain deeper understanding of other perspectives within the whole. Is this what he means by compassion and wisdom being worth more than gold? Even more remarkable in this case, is that his reaction was based almost entirely upon assumptions. He still doesn’t actually even know who I voted for, or whether I even voted, because I never shared this specific information with him.

I have developed a kind of litmus test, to find out whether people I meet or spend time with are genuinely interested in finding bridges between all the “sides” that people identify themselves and their sense of belonging around. Those who show this genuine interest and curiosity are dynamic for me to hang out with, because we can truly enrich each other and begin to accomplish meaningful work together, work which has a real impact on the whole. And yet, I don’t feel a need to cancel from my life those people who are not ready to do that work, whatever their conscious or unconscious reasons for that. I do see my friend’s perspective on personal boundaries, and it might be interesting for my readers to watch the short video on boundaries at the end of this post, and discern for yourselves how my friend’s actions do or don’t align with the description presented in the video.

So, here begins the recycled post I will share, as relevant today as ever. Enjoy:

Recently, I shared my thoughts about choosing our vibrational frequency, and how we often unconsciously choose to match our own energies to the frequencies around us - even when those may be negative or disempowering - because we are wired so strongly to desire, and to need, to feel a sense of belonging. I think it is very helpful, and ultimately incredibly empowering, to take a deeper dive into the idea of belonging. What comes to mind for you when you consider what it means to belong? To what, and to whom, do you desire to belong?

Have you ever had the experience of believing, and of deciding, that you belong to a partnership, a family, a company, a church, a spiritual group, a group of friends, an ethnic group, a political group, a raw vegan group - or any other group - and still felt yourself often feeling alone or lonely? What do you do if you realize that you have a different opinion, a different belief, a different desire or need, than the group is espousing as acceptable or expected of its members? Do you try to change the point of view of the group? Do you plead for recognition, acceptance or approval? Do you go looking for a different group to belong to?

All of my life I have had a hard time finding a group to belong to, for this very reason. I could not ever find one I could fit my entire self into comfortably, and I couldn’t stand pretending that I fit in when my body told me that I didn’t. I also shied away from initiating friction, discomfort for others, or worse - conflict, so I drifted around a lot. I am a naturally friendly and gregarious sort of person, and I had the disconnected experience of feeling like other people assumed that I felt myself to be fully part of the group, when deep inside I never did.

As do many people who experience this sort of suffering, I sought solace through a sincere spiritual quest. I was searching for a deeper, more permanent sort of belonging. I read spiritual texts, and I spent a lot of time alone in nature. It all pointed me to an understanding of my unbreakable, unwavering connection to something bigger, something more encompassing, than any of the groups I had tried to belong to. The only way this connection could appear to waiver or break would be simply my temporarily faulty perception about it.

As I deepened my knowing of this natural state of belonging to the whole, belonging to my source - our source - my need to identify with any particular set of expressions, which are showing up as any particular group of people, became less compelling. I become more able to belong to my Self, and to dare the risk of claiming my more authentic path. I grew to see that truly the greater risk was in abandoning myself, for the sake of fitting into or feeling identified with a group. I began to see how I could find value and enjoyment in being with various groups, without looking to them to define my sense of belonging.

I remember being moved by the title of a book: “Be Nothing.” I knew what that meant before I read the book. As we start letting go of attachment to the various identities that we invent in our attempt to belong somewhere, to something, to someone or someones, we begin to realize our oneness with everywhere, everything, and everyone (the ‘nothing’ we all share, beyond all the ‘somethings’ we endlessly try on). And with this revelation comes a new courage to speak our truth, to claim our boundaries, and to trust that our belonging to Self, and to Source, is the belonging we have been craving. We already DO belong, it’s a given that is granted with our existence….we just don’t fully realize it. I love this metaphor, from a woman after her near-death-experience: “It’s as if when we are born and our umbilical cord is cut, we carry it around like an electrical cord for the rest of our lives trying to plug it back in, but we don’t remember where to find the socket.”

Now perhaps more than ever, there is pressure to align with a group, and to pick a ‘side.’ And the more scary and precarious society and the external world feels, the more we may seek safe harbor within a group identity. But this is an illusion, for if you choose belonging to a group over belonging to yourself, you may actually find yourself feeling more precarious, because you will have to choose some self-abandonment to be loyal to the group.

Please understand, I am a believer in building healthy communities of interdependent people, and I love to spend time with groups of people that feel like my “tribe,” because of our shared values, interests, and lifestyle-choices. It’s important to me to connect often with the people I resonate most easily with, and I love the mutual support and understanding I experience in these encounters. We are able to genuinely bolster each other through hard times, and celebrate each other’s victories. I mostly choose groups where individual expression is encouraged, and diverse opinions are okay. And there are times when I feel it is appropriate to prioritize my loyalty to the group over my own preferences (a topic for a future blog-post!), when this choice doesn’t require me to go against my core values.

I don’t forget though, that I belong to me, and to the divine source, not to any particularly identified group or association, including my family. Remembering this gives me the best odds of being able to think critically for myself and freely entertain new ideas, of being able to stay grounded even when the ground is shifting, and of knowing that I BELONG - this is not something that I have to scrabble for, nor do I need to compromise myself. I can engage freely with the world around me, from a place of genuine curiosity and wonder, choosing my frequency and naturally creating a diversity of encounters and adventures that please my senses and enrich my life. When something doesn’t resonate, I am free to make another choice - either walking away, or choosing a different way to engage. If I am not afraid to lose my place, or my core sense of belonging, then I have no need to stay where there is dissonance, and no need to abandon my core values.

I recently came across this powerful 10-minute speech by Brene Brown. She brilliantly articulates this human journey home to our original, non-negotiable belonging. Understanding this will change how you live your life, and give you the courage to make choices to live by your own design, rather than by habitual or insecure default. I have definitely disappointed and confused some people along the way, but I have also discovered time and again that when I dare to choose what is truly in alignment with my own highest good and highest relationship with myself, things tend to turn out better for the people around me as well. I like to imagine the ripples of resonant alignment that go out, wider and wider, when I honor myself well.

Do Not Negotiate Who You Are