Breaking the Habit of Complaining

A path to empowerment

Complaining is likely the most disempowering habit most people engage in daily. Complaining not only sucks our energy, it drains the energy of the people around us as well. It is a close cousin of criticizing, which is perhaps equally draining. These are such low-vibration energies, they lead to feelings of irritation and deflation, and spread it around. Sometimes the downward slide is subtle enough, and the behavior normalized enough, that we don’t even notice how much we are hurting ourselves and others.

What do we actually hope to achieve with all of our complaining and criticizing? There sure is a giant extra heaping dose of it going around lately! It seems we don’t realize how ineffective it is - if we did, we might stop and refocus our efforts. Can you recall an instance when your complaining had an uplifting outcome? Or have you noticed its downward slide, negatively amplifying itself until we either crumble in defeat, or push things over the edge toward a fight.

Complaining is an agitated energy - disempowered, frustrated, fearful, angry, righteous, unfriendly and unhappy. I am even feeling my body start to slump just writing about it! If it feels so lousy, why do we cling to it? It must be serving us in some way that most of us have not completely outgrown…and in fact, I think there are several strategic reasons, most of which we engage with unconsciously.

Venting is one way we use complaining - to let off steam when we have unwittingly allowed stress to get ahead of our ability to manage it in more graceful ways. It may feel good in the process of venting, as some momentary tension is released, but the aftermath is often less positive. We may feel badly for ‘dumping’ our woes on friends or family, and somewhere deep in our awareness we know that venting is not the healthiest or most empowering choice for transmuting or releasing the tension we have allowed ourselves to accumulate.

The other most common use of complaining is for social bonding. Sadly, if you eavesdrop on common conversation in our modern world, you will realize that much of it revolves around sharing and comparing gripes and complaints. It gives us a way to feel seen and validated in our struggles, stresses and opinions, and to connect with other humans over our personal problems, and bigger world problems. Complaining is so much the norm, in fact, that it is very often the default-mode in conversation. It’s likely that our brains have even become rewired to see and expect negativity, and to complain about it as a default way of ‘connecting’ with others. However, like with venting (and gossiping), complaining with our friends does not bring about a positive, loving, or empowering and inspiring kind of connection.

Complaining - and criticizing, too - can be a way of expressing our frustration when we feel powerless. Today’s political climate is a great example of this! Most of us feel uncomfortably small and ineffective in relation to the people in positions of political power and sway, making public comments and important decisions which we often feel powerless to impact. Complaining loudly, and joining with our tribe of other complaining voices, may give us a false sense of momentary power - just enough to mask our discomfort temporarily. The net result, however, is just more ineffectiveness and ongoing frustration.

Perhaps the most unconscious use of complaining is to cover up a deep-seated fear of real, actual personal power and self-responsibility. The alternative to complaining is to claim a mature, sovereign state of being, and to choose to show up grounded, confident and solution-focused. But that puts us in the driver’s seat, taking full responsibility for the outcomes we are creating. This kind of personal power is unconsciously frightening to many people, because it forces us not only to face our avoidance and denial of our own powerful inner guidance and resourcefulness, but also to confront the bigness of the light we are made of. When we accept personal responsibility, we relinquish the temptation to blame other people or circumstances for our misfortunes, misery or struggles, and we finally begin to assume our real power.

Certainly, some complaints are made in an attempt to inspire change or correction of a problem, yet this is never the highest-vibe way to go about it. When my daughter Rose was about 13 years old, family members tired of her frequent complaining and whining. We proposed a family challenge: for the next week, each time one of us complained, that person would have to put a quarter into a family pot, and whoever complained the least would win the pot of money. In less than 10 minutes, we called Rose out on a complaint. With her characteristic quick wit, she immediately replied, “I am not complaining, I am making an observation!” We gave her one free pass for her cleverness…and it sparked a conversation about the difference between complaining and making an observation. (I think it’s about tone and intention.)

It all boils down to whether you want to consciously embrace, or to unconsciously deny your personal power and responsibility. It’s a personal decision, which relates to my previous post titled, “What Are You Waiting For?” in which I presented the ‘4 C’s’: Complaining, Criticizing, Controlling, and Comparing, OR: Centering, Connecting, Celebrating, and Compassion.

The next time you feel a complaint about to escape from your mouth, think of this quote from Henry Ford: “Don’t find fault, find a remedy.” Or, a familiar phrase in Costa Rica, “There are no problems, only solutions!” Consider how you might find a way to turn your complaint into a clear request, or a productive action. If that feels challenging, call up some self-compassion and ask yourself what you really need - a nap, a hug, a time-out? When I remember to operate consciously from this perspective, and taking into account the 4 C’s, I feel much more grounded, calm, objective and solution-focused when an uncomfortable issue or problem arises in my life. I feel more self-sufficient and empowered, and my triggers dissolve. I am able to remain more present with what needs to be done, if anything. I am more accepting, less angry. I feel stronger, not helpless; positive, not negative. I am able to provide help, not heap on more negativity and defeat. I am able to be part of the solution, not part of the problem.

One of my clients had this to say about her process of kicking the habit of complaining, and taking back her empowerment:

“I need to tell you that I had a really strong visual after my session with you - I was in a boat all by myself, steering the rudder. There were all kinds of rocks and some stormy weather to my sides, but I knew that if I could stay the course and navigate my way through all of that, it would be calm, peaceful and beautiful water ahead of me.”