Creating Cozy Connection
and tending my soul
For many years I have spoken and written about the importance of how we choose to move through our transition-times in life. Of course there are the hugely significant transitions, the small everyday transitions, and everything in between. Sometimes, a transition that feels easy for one person is significantly challenging or even traumatic for another person. It’s helpful to remember the fourth agreement in the little book, “The Four Agreements,” which is: “always do your best.” If we give ourselves credit for doing our best at the time, all things considered - even when it doesn’t look great - then our self-judgment can soften, and we will feel safer in the time of uncertainty.
Growth may happen under pressure sometimes, but healing rarely can. Most of us are conditioned to put a timeline on everything, and to compare ourselves and our lives - including our healing and growth - to others. We may feel good about ourselves when we can progress through hard transitions quickly, and poorly about ourselves when our progress looks slow or inconsistent.
A counselor once introduced me to an idea of ‘the 3 cups.’ The one in the center is mine, representing my own intuition and self-guidance, and the cups to either side of mine represent other people’s thoughts and opinions of me or my choices. I am not grounded in my center if I ‘drink from other people’s cups,’ and then let their opinions of me sway how I feel about myself - feeling good about myself if they offer praise or approval, and badly about myself if they offer criticism or judgment. The solution is to drink only from my own cup. This doesn’t mean that I don’t listen to others, and consider what they have to say, it just means that I continue drinking only from my own cup: I know my worth, and what I need for safety and healing, by listening for my own deepest wisdom from within.
Self-reliance during transitions is really important, because these are times for paying especially close attention to our own unique needs. Even the most basic everyday transitions such as waking in the morning and going to sleep at night, deserve our internal mindfulness because how we navigate them can determine the quality of our day or our sleep - even our overall well-being. Nobody but you can feel what your body needs to feel calm, grounded, safe and well. It can be helpful to lean on others for support and possibly understanding, yet only you will truly know what is helping your whole self to navigate a transition with grace and presence. Lots of (often conflicting) advice from well-meaning other people can actually throw you off-course, undermine your self-confidence, and impede your progress.
Succumbing to confusion and overwhelm is a dangerous pitfall during big transition times. If you feel this happening, rest and take a break from any decision-making or meaning-making. Slow things down, and focus on basic self-care or mundane tasks (“Chop wood, carry water”). In fact, magnify your self-care! This fall, I have been navigating the transition of a cross-country move, as well as the ending of important relationships. All while tending to a hip that makes walking difficult and may need surgery. Now that the initial dust has begun to settle, what is helping most of all is the coziness I am creating in my home, just for me. It is heartening to sit by the fire in my woodstove, surrounded by the simple beauty I am creating in my home sanctuary. With the weather turning colder, and injury preventing my usual movement patterns, this home is my primary healing & transition space, and I want it to feel cozy and nurturing. This sends a clear message to myself that my comfort matters. I am protecting a space of heart-connection with myself.
Shifting gears just a bit - for readers who are in transition to a healthier lifestyle, and especially to a raw vegan dietary path, extra challenges come with the colder weather and the holiday times. If you are relatively new in a transition toward a raw vegan lifestyle, it will be helpful to start focusing now on preparing yourself for the upcoming challenges. I am ordering a big case of fresh dates ( https://datepeople.net/ ) which make yummy, easily-accessible wintertime treats and add some hearty un-chilled calories. They are also nice for holiday recipes such as in raw pie-crusts, or warmed blended drinks. I’ve also been stocking up on satiating sweet persimmons!
Beyond food preparations though, is tending to your emotional inner landscape. Almost everyone sometimes uses food to avoid emotions, and both cold dreary weather and increased family gatherings (or not having family gatherings), can really push our emotional buttons. We are navigating the seasonal weather transition, as well as what the winter holiday season may evoke in our hearts, minds, and bodies. While I am enjoying the coziness of snuggling up by the woodstove in the colder season, and probably journaling and reading more than I do in summertime, I know it is imperative in this transition to keep moving my body daily, however I am able to, and eating the healthiest diet. Maintaining the best self-care and self-connection is my shield against the emotional and physical hardships that can present in the winter and holiday seasons.
When I prioritize my mindful self-care even more during significant transition-times, I feel better and have more capacity to hold higher quality thoughts - thoughts of gratitude, acceptance, and trust in the bigger picture and the higher wisdom. If overwhelm and confusion threaten my peace, it’s time to rest and recalibrate, for as long as it takes to come back to my equilibrium. It doesn’t matter how long it takes, or how many ups and downs there are in your transition process, so much as it matters that you tend your soul by doing your best to stay connected to yourself, and your own inner wisdom that will guide you through everything life brings.
A couple of days ago, I slipped while rounding a corner in my home, wearing slippery socks on the polished wood floor, and carrying a jug of water. It happened in the blink of an eye, as these things do, and I fell hard onto the steel frame and corner of my firewood rack. OUCH! I got pretty banged up, most notably my ribcage. I crept to my bed and just lay there for a few quiet moments, looking out the window and thinking “what the heck?!!” After a couple of “why more, why now?!” whimpers, I knew I had to shift into acceptance. MORE REST is the prescription I gave to myself — to listen, calm, and heal all the parts of me that have been recently tried and traumatized.
The next day, I visited my precious new granddaughter on her 1-week birthday. My son and his wife are sleep-deprived, but beaming with pride and joy. Tiny Sameera is complete pure innocence. A breath of the freshest air, and an inspiration to devote myself to the healing and wholeness I want to meet her with.
