"Don't Eat The Marshmallow!"

Self-discipline, or obedience? What we truly value, and why this makes all the difference in the world...

This week a friend sent me a short TEDTalk, about the relationship between children’s early ability to delay gratification, and their future success outcomes in life. I will share the 7-minute TEDTalk video later in this post. The children in the experiment were each left alone in a room, with a single marshmallow. They were told that if the marshmallow was still there when the adult returned in 15 minutes, they would get to have TWO marshmallows. The video is engaging - some of the children are very creative, and it can be funny to watch how humans attempt to control their ‘forbidden’ desires, or find ways to make themselves wait for something they want, even while denying themselves huge temptations. I laughed, and yet I felt unsettled afterwards, and found that I kept thinking about it.

It made me think about how the capacity for delaying gratification, as well as the strength to withstand coercion both feel like important topics right now, in the era of post-covid reckonings. Even mainstream media is now finally beginning to acknowledge the corporate and government corruption surrounding the covid crisis, as well as the real and present danger to those who complied with government-recommended (and even demanded) experimental covid protocols, even when they didn’t make sense, were punitive, or didn’t have convincing science behind them. Many people seemed so compelled by the illusion of a ‘quick fix’ in the form of a mask and an injection to ensure their safety and convenience, rather than doing the personal work of engaging in the tried-and-true diligence of actual healthy lifestyle practices, and trusting in the brilliant and long-proven natural self-healing capacity of our bodies.

Some people complied because they truly believed the overwhelming propaganda that insisted it was the best (or only) path forward, the right thing to do. Others followed the dictates because they wanted to get one of the promised rewards such as $1,000, college tuition, the ability to travel internationally, or a free beer or donut. Others did what they were told in order to avoid one of many threatened unpleasant or traumatic outcomes, such as losing the approval of friends, a place at the family table, their admission to college, or even their job or livelihood. Still others just didn’t have the energy to look into it, and preferred to simply follow orders and hope for the best.

The human psychology experiment discussed in the TEDTalk, especially as it relates to the human psychology the covid-era exposed, made me think about the potent difference between extrinsic and intrinsic rewards (and punishments). Bribery (and worse - trickery and threats) may elicit obedience, but definitely does not encourage integrity and self-esteem. I have questions too about some of the measures of “success” that were used to compare the children in the experiment when they were older. It makes sense that the ones who managed not to give in to their strong desire to eat the sugary marshmallow were generally better able to cope in a world programmed to reward the pushing aside of one’s natural desires, as well as their sense of sovereignty and self-direction (best to step in line and follow directions), in order to fit in and jump through the many unnaturally difficult hoops on the way to what our society deems “success.” It’s also true that the ability to delay gratification can be a very healthy trait when exercised in a healthy way (i.e., delaying an international vacation in order to avoid a risky covid shot, or making peace with temporarily missing out on other societal benefits in order to stand in your truth).

Perhaps the children who “caved” and ate the marshmallow before the adult returned really do lack self-discipline (which actually would not concern me a whole lot in a 4 or 5-year old!), but I can see another perspective also. Maybe some of these children sensed, in some deep intuitive place, the arbitrary nature of the request, and were not so easily bribable nor so readily compliant as to put up with a form of torture - foisted upon them - that didn’t feel worth the small extrinsic future reward of a second marshmallow. And perhaps some of these non-compliant or more impulsive children also struggled in later years to comply with the mostly arbitrary and often capricious environment of public schooling, and in fact our whole modern system of rewards and punishments based upon a particular model of what cooperation and success ‘should’ look like. Some people, even children, see right through this facade and cannot comply without compromising themselves in unacceptable or unsustainable ways.

I believe I was a fairly compliant child myself, but not happily so. I didn’t like the consequences in our household of ‘ruffling feathers’ or ‘rocking the boat,’ so I put on a good show (even fooling myself). I earned the nickname in my family of “Sweet Ellen.” My dad was amused to retell the story of me saying “I don’t mind,” when my big sister would grab the last cookie (of course a part of my child-self most definitely minded!). But I have a powerful memory, from about age 12, of questioning the whole paradigm. I felt a strong personal truth rise to the surface of my conscious awareness: the truth that my own idea of success was different than what my parents and society seemed to be presenting to me….I simply desired most of all “to feel happy and connected.” That, I knew, was my idea of true success in this life-journey - and I sensed that it would not likely lead to constant people-pleasing. I wrote about this tension in my childhood diary, but I didn’t yet know my power to forge a different, more authentic path for myself, and the gap that I felt between what I knew inside, and what I thought I had to do, led to a long period of depression.

I began to reclaim my personal power and sovereignty only after a number of health challenges rocked me to my core, and gave me the impetus to actively seek deeper understandings. Gradually, I began to find the courage to start saying “No” to what didn’t make sense for me, what didn’t feel right to me. I left the field of graphic design and marketing for more meaningful work in art therapy, and then I left that ‘career’ path when I discovered a strong purpose in motherhood. I intuitively unschooled my children for many years (no ‘curriculum’), to allow them space to unfold more organically and authentically, not bound by the arbitrary dictates of our system of formal education, and the bizarre, disempowering and disembodied social and psychological dynamics it breeds.

Despite (or because of!) a childhood not controlled by rewards and punishments, bribes or authoritarian dictates (that is, until they chose the environment of public high-school and college, by which time they at least had their eyes open), all three of my children are generally quite self-directed, socially mature, with healthy self-discipline. Their later immersion in the mainstream formal education environment, and in our largely mis-guided, indoctrinated society in which compliance and fitting in is rewarded above all, is, I believe, what unfortunately led two of them to readily accept and comply with the dangerous and unsubstantiated covid protocols.

My long journey to reclaim my personal sovereignty and natural wisdom is what empowered me to easily reject the whole mainstream covid narrative as being obviously unhealthy fear-mongering and propaganda, having everything to do with a money-and-power grab by a few elites, and really nothing to do with protecting the people’s health or well-being. Because I have learned to trust my intuition; because I have previously seen through the dubious agendas and methods of most of our government institutions; and because none of the covid-related protocols made real sense nor were an effective approach to a health threat, it was quite obvious to me right from the start that I would choose to do my own thing to better protect myself and those around me.

This may all seem like a big digression from the experiment in the TEDTalk, yet there is certainly a potential dialogue here regarding nature vs nurture. I wonder what would happen in an adjusted experiment in which there are two groups of children: those who from birth were encouraged to trust and believe in themselves, to question what doesn’t feel good, and to experience the value of intrinsic rewards and consequences (i.e. doing the right thing because it feels good to do so, or it helps another being; or learning from the natural consequences of testing your own hypotheses and intuitive decisions); and those who were more conventionally raised to cater to authority, and to ‘behave’ by following the expected program, without much inquiry or questioning. Perhaps some in the first group would ask some “Why?” questions of the experimenter, or offer some of their own insight afterwards about why they went ahead and ate the marshmallow, under the circumstances.

Here is a link to the 7-minute video of the TEDTalk. In the last few minutes, you will see actual video footage of some of the children when they are left alone with the marshmallow. I would love to know what you think about it.

When it comes to the self-discipline I have for sticking to a whole-foods raw vegan diet, and generally healthy overall lifestyle, I can tell you that I absolutely built this muscle because of my desire for the intrinsic rewards it brings, not for any extrinsic rewards such as other people’s approval or accolades, a perfect physique, or a sense of superiority. In this case, the intrinsic rewards are the benefits and advantages of physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health and well-being for myself to enjoy, along with feeling good in my heart about choosing a path which does the least harm to other beings or our earth, and inspires others who are ready to do the same.

There may be some extrinsic rewards such as receiving respect from a certain teeny-tiny group of people who truly appreciate and look up to me for my steadfast commitment, but certainly that small unexpected reward is far out-paced by the vast amount of questioning, concern, disapproval, judgment, criticism, disdain, ridicule, rejection and inconvenience which I had to find the courage and inner strength to face and rise above in order to follow the truths I had discovered. The intrinsic rewards made every step of the journey worthwhile. I knew that these reactions were coming from an uninformed and insecure place in other people. A truly open-minded person will approach interesting or challenging new information with curiosity, intrigue, calm inquiry and personal reflection.

If by chance you are one of the many people who now questions or even regrets some of your choices made during the unprecedentedly chaotic and confusing time of the initial rollout of the covid events and protocols, I hope you will realize that it is never too late, and always the perfect time, to continue awakening awareness and growing new personal sovereignty muscles! There is a chance for deep and productive self-reflection, here and now, as well as meaningful reconciliations with self and others, and there is no use in shame or blame in any of this (except regarding those in relevant positions of power who abdicated responsibility, or knew better yet allowed and enabled the egregious harms to continue anyway).

I pray every day for a collective soul-shift, in which personal sovereignty is no longer feared and condemned as recklessly selfish, but is instead deeply realized to be the keystone to a healthy and happy society - a society composed of courageous, self-directed individuals who hold sacred their integrity and inner guidance, and come together naturally as the compassionate, wise and loving beings that we each already are in our essence.