"Family Matters"

A time to celebrate

Last week my extended family traveled from far and wide to gather in the Green Mountains of Vermont, for a reunion with a purpose. We came together to celebrate my father’s 86 years of life. Soon after his death on January 2nd, my mother announced that there would be no memorial service. Understandably, she didn’t want to grapple with all the formalities expected for a tenured professor who gave all of his working years to The University of Michigan. My siblings and I were surprised though, by the idea of no memorial event for our dad. So my sister proposed that we gather by the lake in Vermont, in August, and have one of the big family reunions that our dad always loved so much. Our mother instantly loved this alternative, and a plan was hatched.

A large house was rented on the beautiful Lake Eden where we had a previous family reunion, that time with my dad. My sister has a couple of cabins on a nearby lake, so we had space for everyone. Shortly after these plans were made, my brother became very ill (as I have written about), and though he is doing better at the moment, sadly he was not strong enough to travel to Vermont and join the family. Others who live in Patagonia also did not make the trip, so there was a zoom call arranged to include them on some level. We did have family come from Alaska, Michigan, Florida (me), New York and Vermont.

Because my mother and sisters and I had been preoccupied with my brother’s care, the younger generation (my kids and their cousins) planned the details of the reunion/memorial week. They did a fantastic job tending to all the important details, and it went without a hitch. Even some cold rainy weather did not deter my family from enjoying the lake, and nearby mountain hikes. We also picked a massive amount of blueberries together!

It felt like there was an event to celebrate nearly every evening: several birthdays, my sister’s 25th wedding anniversary, my son’s newly announced engagement, my nephew’s renewed commitment to selling his wonderful art for a living, and - most importantly for this special week - my dad’s well-lived life. My mother had mailed each of us one of my dad’s flannel shirts (he had so many!), with a plan that we would all bring them to the gathering, and wear them for the memorial event. Small flannels were purchased for the young children, to complete the picture.

Our informal memorial celebration evening was beautiful, organic and heartfelt. We all posed for a family photo in our flannels, then gathered in a circle in the living room and shared readings from my dad’s published memoirs (he published many of them in a book called “Family Matters”), and from some of his favorite authors such as Mary Oliver. My mother told stories from their 64 years of marriage, and we sang some of my dad’s favorite songs, like ‘Hallelujah’ and ‘Amazing Grace,’ with my niece Casey accompanying on her guitar. We ended with everyone in a circle holding a lit candle, silently in a darkened room, then raising them up “To Grandaddy!” and blowing them out together. It felt right, and I think we all felt satisfied with the tribute to our remarkable Daddy/Grandaddy.

I have a boisterous, high-energy family, all of whom love the outdoors. When the rain became heavy at times, there were thoughtfully organized crafts at the dining room table, and plenty of board games. When the little kids got restless, a huge beanbag chair and some soft felt balls inspired so much rambunctious indoor fun. As soon as there was even a small break in the rain, we were in the cold lake, or hiking in the mountains. One day, my son and his fiancee played frisbee on paddle-boards!

I am so grateful for my family’s deep common ground in our love of nature and the outdoors, our collective spirit of fun and games, and our fierce love and loyalty for each other. This really helps so much to soften the edges of the places where I have big differences with most of my family. I am the only vegan, and all of the dinners in this reunion week were heavily meat-centric. I shop for myself, and make my own meals to bring to the shared table. I do have to protect my attractive fruit-stashes, to be sure I have food to prepare!

In fact much of my worldview is different, and given the especially heated political climate currently, I chose to refrain from joining the group conversations that were politically focused (there weren’t many). I imagine a day when my family can gracefully navigate an enriching dialogue about worldview and politics, while giving all voices a fair seat at the table. However I have learned time and again, the painful way, that we are not even close to that yet. I therefore made a conscious decision prior to this reunion-week, to keep my opposing views to myself. I did not want to experience the toxic energy of feeling shut-down or shut-out, and I did want to revel in our abundant connections and love for each other.

The week ended with a lovely fair-weather weekend with just my two sisters and I, lingering for a couple more days at the lake after the others had gone home. In this quieter environment, our sister-conversations did sometimes meander into political landmines (they seem to pop up everywhere, these days!), but we chose to just drop it when it quickly became challenging to navigate together. We enjoyed some rare time with just the 3 of us, at my little sister’s wonderful rustic camp on a gorgeous private mountain lake.

As always, favorite photos, interspersed with written and artistic entries from the family log which was passed around all week, will be collected into a book. This year the book will be created by my soon-to-be-daughter-in-law, Aja, and copies will be published for each separate household. I have a collection of these on my bookshelf, from many reunion weeks over the years. I am blessed to be part of a large and loving family, who make the effort to come together despite our wide geographical separation and other differences. Family matters.