This is Your Final Exam

There are no wrong answers, only different outcomes.

I admit, that might be a click-baity kind of title…but it popped into my mind this week when I was ‘canceled’ by another longtime friend due to my ‘unacceptable’ perspectives on world events. As soon as I recovered from the initial jolt, I visualized a multiple-choice question on an imaginary exam, something like this:

When a longtime friend (or a family member) rejects you for reasons that feel baffling or unexplained, and then cuts off your access to them, do you……

A). freak out and lose sleep over it

B). ruminate about how they were never a ‘real friend’ anyway

C). make up stories about how it’s your fault

D). let them go and move on

E). seize the opportunity to deepen your spiritual path

F). all of the above

If you chose A, B, or C, my heart goes out to you. Those are miserable spaces to navigate (I know this because I have been there with you!). D and E require some big self-development muscles, but will be ultimately very rewarding. And choice F represents the messy, non-linear process most people go through on their way to lasting spiritual progress.

There is no correct answer on this test, because each of us responds with the capacity we have at the time, and we can only BE right where we are. We are, all of us, inextricably immersed and enmeshed in a bigger outer environment of chaos and uncertainty, and it’s helpful to remember that most everyone is doing their best to navigate this reality in whatever way they can personally tolerate. It’s hard to be uncomfortable (whether frightened, angry, sad, or exhilarated!), and even harder to find yourself thinking and perceiving differently than your “in-group.” If you consider yourself to be one of the “awakening” ones, please remind yourself that there was a time when you did not see what you so readily see now. There is no universally “right” timeline for awakening. We are each on a uniquely individual journey.

Attempts to aggressively speed up another person’s awakening timeline are usually met with resistance, and even hostility (in my experience). A more effective approach I have found, is to be a lighthouse (a bright, visible beacon) for the change I feel called to inspire. Simply model it with my own conscious lifestyle choices, and project a welcoming energy. Those who are seeking will be drawn in, like moths to a flame. Those who are not ready or do not wish to explore life outside the lines they’ve known will see my lighthouse beacon as a warning signal of ‘hazardous rocks nearby,’ and will steer clear. And that’s okay. It’s not their time, or it’s not their path. I love Peace Pilgrim’s strategy of simply wearing her message on her clothing, like a billboard to attract those who are genuinely curious.

Freaking out, losing sleep, ruminating and making up stories (A, B, and C) are generally the first impulse for the unstable personality and nervous system, at least until deeper self-development work has become well-rooted in our being. People readily tend to take things personally, to make assumptions without sufficient information, to flare up quickly with indignant anger and defenses, to become easily unsettled, and often to ultimately turn the pain inward upon themselves with self-doubt and shame.

Choice D is an interesting one, because letting go can have different qualities to it. “Canceling” someone is one form of letting go - it has an underlying fearful energy, of pushing someone away forcefully to avoid facing and actively working through discomfort. It is a dynamic of control. There is a more elevated form of letting go, which has an underlying energy of acceptance and surrender - it’s about squarely meeting reality and recognizing where there is not alignment, and allowing that reality without resistance.

Choice E embodies the most dynamic potential, and will inform any future actions which will be more consciously chosen. Choice E represents a desire, or at least a willingness, to learn and grow through every experience in life. There is an understanding of Byron Katie’s message, that “until you can welcome ALL experience, there is work to be done.” Choice E requires the courage to meet and integrate all of our shadow parts - those parts of ourselves we might rather deny, and continue projecting onto other people. This is the kind of courage needed to create health in an unhealthy world.

If you are finding yourself often meeting uncomfortable encounters with an A, B, or C reaction (anxiety, lost sleep, rumination), ask yourself what would help you to shift into the possibility of a healthier response, such as the release of letting go, and/or the conscious embracing of a new spiritual lesson? My own most effective strategy in these situations is to first of all PAUSE, OBSERVE, AND REFLECT. In the pause, I have the chance to consciously notice what I am feeling in my body and where I am feeling it, and to see the stories I am inventing in my mind about the situation. This quick tuning-in reveals to me my impulsive reactionary state, and gives me a chance to reflect on what healthier, more conscious response I would prefer to choose. Sometimes, I simply need to ask questions and gather more accurate information, before choosing my response. Sometimes, my healthiest response is to remain silent.

“The highest form of ignorance is when you reject something you don’t know anything about.” - Wayne Dyer

The more accurately I begin know myself, and the more often I remember to short-circuit a negative reaction I am having by pressing the “pause & reflect” button for myself as soon as I feel confused or triggered, the more I trust that I have my own back in the tough situations life so often brings. This kind of nurturing self-correction skill is imperative to develop, and strengthens our ability to respond rather than react. Even if an unfortunate reaction has already leaped out of us, with a little self-discipline it can be quickly reframed into a healthier response.

For sure, it takes great courage to hold firm a torch lit with the flames of truths we know deep-down inside, even in the wild and sometimes stormy winds of another person’s or the collective’s disapproval, fear and distrust. Yet it may require even greater courage to consciously interrupt our impassioned reactions with the self-discipline to pause ourselves mid-reaction, and consciously turn our energy around. It starts with DECIDING to want the rewards of self-growth and connection, more than the suffering of self-righteousness and division.