I know, even the name of this publication is Living Heart…..and yet I have entered a new season of real, raw, reckoning.
The first 2 decades of my adult life were anchored by a steady partnership, and the early years of raising a family. The next 2 decades, precipitated by divorce, were anchored only by my own steady commitment to personal growth. I explored a variety of unknown avenues for deepening and sharing my greatest discoveries on my personal healing path, such as a raw vegan diet, yoga, unschooling, spirituality, community-building, and growing self-awareness. It was a very challenging, creative and exciting time of self-discovery and new, expanded self-expression. I was rapidly breaking out of worn-out old molds, and finding my authentic voice. The liberation was exhilarating, and my enthusiasm often led to big and somewhat impulsive decisions at times, and always an overly full plate.
It’s said that hindsight is 20/20….and looking back over the past 20+ years since my divorce, with such varied and adventurous life-experiences under my belt, I now have quite a lot of material evidence revealing the threads of familiar patterns that played and re-played in each of the many different situations I attracted throughout that time period. The nature of a recent and surprising relationship-ending has been the catalyst for new clarity, because this one pushed me abruptly up against a stark truth: I downplay early ‘red flags’ when new opportunities present themselves, in favor of giving my heart the free rein that it desires. I admire my courage to try new things, and to step into discomfort when I see an invitation to potential greatness — yet I often realize in hindsight the consequences of an imbalance in leadership between heart and wisdom.
My courage to follow my heart’s deeper longings and fervent whispers definitely opened up for me an exciting, off-the-beaten-path journey. In my self-made lifestyle I have been unapologetically unconventional with money, career, childrearing, diet and healthcare, and even housing. I have explored partnerships with men who seemed open to showing me their heart and growing together, and who embrace unconventionality like I do. And I have devoted myself to serving others in ways truly aligned with my heart and soul.
I don’t regret any of these choices, for each and every one has added to my treasure-chest of freely-chosen life experiences that show me who I have been, who I am, what I need, and who I am becoming. With healthy respect toward calmer, steadier lives (I have often envied you people!), I can see how rapidly my self-learning-curve has risen, for having thrown myself wholeheartedly into so many different experiences in a short time, and especially for having endured so many hard losses amidst all the creative fun and excitement. I am choosing to trust that all of this is what I needed for my evolution — because it is what I got, and I do believe in a friendly and compassionate universe. I am amused by a quote I found the other day:
“The universe is ruthlessly compassionate.”
In the way that flexibility of our bodies must be balanced with muscular strength if we want to create a resilient body, heart-led living must be balanced with true wisdom if we want a resilient life.
This is the truth that really crystalized for me recently. I always believed I was listening to wisdom in my former choices. However, with that powerful thing called 20/20 hindsight, I can see that I very often gave my heart’s throbbing desires too much power, and semi-consciously kept wisdom at arm’s length so it could not ruin my fun. With the enthusiasm of a child discovering things for the first time, I often rushed in with both feet rather impulsively and without needed boundaries - because my heart wanted to experience this latest new adventure, now! I think I was afraid to let wisdom have too much influence, for fear it might talk me out of the adventures I wanted to have. I moved quickly into commitments, before wisdom could convince me to slow down and listen more deeply (and possibly adjust my course).
On balance, many of those commitments have remained steady and aligned over 2+ decades, such as my raw vegan diet and some other unconventional lifestyle preferences. My mostly unschooled children are all thriving, and my distrust of most societal institutions has served me well. My less conventional ways with money have provided me some profitable investments. The reality is, there are some opportunities in life that require quick decision-making and early commitment. My courage to leap at these times brought me some truly incredible opportunities, for which I am forever grateful.
I have also paid a real price for my heart-led living. I have often made decisions faster, and moved myself into them quicker, than my whole self could fully register and keep pace with. I often left parts of myself behind, in other words. I learned early that if you don’t experience some feelings of fear and discomfort, you are probably not doing much that is of true significance. When I know what I really want, I am willing to trade some comforts for it. But it’s important to know which comforts can be safely traded without compromising the Self.
The realization that has come more slowly to me, is that it is critical to learn to sense when deeper inner listening is required, and this cannot be rushed. It often requires a slowing down, a period of stillness, and honest detachment from temporary desires, opportunities, timelines and outcomes.
One thing I know is that opportunities never stop presenting themselves. When one door closes, many more stay open…as long as I remain open. A personal commitment is growing in me. It is a commitment to be willing to wait for the kind of clarity which honors all of me. Being an enthusiastically heart-led visionary and idealist comes quite naturally to me, and my open heart and actively creative mind find exciting new adventures easily. The adventurous spirit in me often wants to jump right in and play! So, I see that what I am embarking on now, in this personal season of ‘real, raw, reckoning,’ is a kind of next-level re-parenting of myself. It is time to fully harvest and honor the depths of wisdom I have been accessing all these years, and to trust this inner voice to bring a healthy balance to my heart-led impulses.
Wisdom, to my understanding, is more akin to intuition than to mental processing. It is tapping into the guidance available from a higher state of consciousness. That’s why accessing true wisdom often requires periods of stillness, and an uncommon depth of listening. It’s hard to hear wisdom when my heart is fluttering with its latest desires. It’s hard to hear and honor wisdom when I have attachments to a certain outcome, or timeline. It’s hard to hear wisdom when I’m moving through life quickly, focused on what is temporary instead of what endures.
I still believe in heart-led living, and I will always place a top value on honoring the childlike innocence of my enthusiastic, naturally open-hearted ways of embracing life. A new caveat, for me, is that real wisdom must be given equal honor. What this looks like is that I am providing a retreat-like pace of life for myself, with a spaciousness that invites deeper awareness, observation, and self-reflection. Steadier self-care is a real priority.
I feel myself resting on one of the plateaus of life, provided for me by myself, for the honest work of a new level of self-integration. I am preparing myself for life’s next outer invitation, while remaining present for this critical inward time of self-recalibration. I have been made ready to trade the excitement of leaping at outer invitations, for the quiet inspiration of the inner invitation that is calling me into a quieter healing space, for a time.
DURING THIS SLOWER TIME I HAVE JUST TWO NEW SLOTS OPEN FOR PRIVATE COACHING, BY DONATION. SEND ME AN EMAIL IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO EXPLORE THIS OPPORTUNITY FOR DEEP, COMPASSIONATE
1:1 SUPPORT FOR YOURSELF THIS WINTER.
The Universe is ruthlessly compassionate! Yet the mind has a great tendency not to be….hmmmm