Will You Stand By Me?

THE biggest threat to health and happiness is......

Self-abandonment. Why do we do it? Why on earth do we abandon our own selves?
It sounds like such a crazy thing to do….almost like an autoimmune disease where the body attacks itself - why would it do that? Except in this case, I am talking about the mind (which, strangely, actually can be at the root of an autoimmune disease of the body, but that’s a topic for another day!). Self-abandonment happens when we allow ourselves to think, speak, or act in ways that run counter to what we truly know, desire, or need.

It happens for many reasons, and sometimes we are not even conscious that we are doing it. One of the most common reasons we self-abandon is because we want to please others, and/or keep the peace. We don’t want to ‘rock the boat,’ or stick our neck out and possibly inconvenience someone else (never mind the lengths we will go to that inconveniences ourselves!). We also don’t want to appear selfish, unkind, or weak, God forbid.

Another reason is that we (consciously or not) believe we don’t deserve what we actually desire or need, or that we actually don’t truly, or at least shouldn’t, have that need or desire. This often stems from a core belief that developed in childhood, if we were given a message enough times that someone else (such as a parent, older sibling, teacher or other authority) knows better than we do what we actually need or want. The stage was thus set for a long internal struggle to know our own self, and to trust our own internal knowing.

Sometimes, we know we want something for ourselves, and we know and trust it deeply, but we resist what is required of us in order to reach that goal. Perhaps we would have to be disciplined and consistent, work hard for it, trade some coveted comforts, take a big financial risk, or risk social conflict or isolation. Perhaps we would have to be seen standing up for our truth, in uncomfortable or unfamiliar ways. Friends or family might express their discomfort with our changes by giving us a hard time, and testing our resolve.

And sometimes, we are simply afraid of the self-empowerment and responsibility that we sense will come with living authentically. We are afraid we don’t deserve it, that other people might not like us for it, or that we won’t be able to handle it.

How can we know when we are abandoning our own self? What are the indicators?
There will inevitably be tension and internal conflict. There may be perceptible (or even dramatic) immediate physical or emotional symptoms, such as a racing heart, butterflies in the heart or gut, feeling flushed, shaking or feeling suddenly weak, feeling flustered and confused, an embarrassing unwanted rush of hot tears or explosive rage, a lump in the throat, a feeling of defeat, a sudden whole-body tension. Other, more chronic and even debilitating symptoms may develop if we habitually self-abandon.

Another clue might be that whatever we are trying to do is continually not flowing well. We may be insisting to ourself that we go a certain way, or engage with a certain choice, without realizing that it will never really work because with this choice we are saying “no” to some important part of who we truly are or what we truly need or desire. Sometimes, supportive people in our inner circle may even point out to us that our current choices don’t seem to fit us very well.

I am moved to write about this today, because in the recent painful unraveling of an 8-year partnership-relationship, I have experienced all of these symptoms! I know what they mean - that I need to spend more time with my journal, make time for more long walks in nature, and listen for the ways in which I am abandoning myself, and look for why.

How can we STOP the self-abandonment syndrome? The first step is to realize when we are doing it! And the next step is to find out why. Only then can we make a clear choice to SHIFT into a commitment to truly honor ourself, and to access the courage to face (or embrace) the consequences. It will help to bring to the forefront ALL of the consequences of truly honoring ourself: the potentially necessary challenges and losses, as well as the desired rewards and benefits. I view this approach as being REAL with myself. I don’t sugar-coat the hard stuff - I’d rather be honest about it right up front, and pray for the courage to face all of it, and the wisdom and grace to grow through the challenges. At the same time, keeping the list of my desired rewards and benefits front-and-center keeps my inspiration pulling me bravely forward.

So often we find ourselves desperately wishing for other people to stand up for us, to understand us, or to meet our needs. And so often they disappoint. The deep truth here is that even though people can and importantly do support each other, only you know what you truly feel like inside, and what you truly need most at any given time. For sure, we lose touch with ourselves and our inner wisdom, but instead of falling prey to the temptation to wait for or expect another person to figure out and meet our needs, we will acquire a much deeper satisfaction by listening intently within, with a firm commitment to meet ourselves accurately, with love and compassion.

I will forever carry in my heart a dream I had one night many years ago, in which I was riding a bike very fast down a winding mountain road, and I realized too late that I would not be able to navigate a hairpin turn up ahead, and so the bicycle and I sailed out over the edge of the cliff. My bike dropped away, and in that terrifying instant of total vulnerability as I hung in the air, a figure on a giant kite swooped by and scooped me up onto the kite, wrapping their arms around me to secure my safety as we soared through the sky. I turned my head around, curious to see who had saved me, and I was surprised to be gazing into my own face. I understood this as a message that I have my back. It doesn’t mean that I don’t ask for support, or need a little help from my friends, just that I realize that I am my own best friend and ally, and that it is very wise to nurture this relationship deeply.

“I will stand by me” is a ticket to health and happiness. When we access the courage, the radical honesty, the discernment, and the wisdom to allow and trust our truest self to emerge and express itself without resistance, we come into the freedom, harmony and well-being that self-alignment brings, and our lives begin to shine.

Stand By Me